Angry ND on Main

Dear Publishing,

I’m afraid to write neurodiverse protagonists.

I know, I know – why should I, seeing how I’m neurodiverse and all that? Well, here’s the thing: I’m not doing it right. I’m not being the accepted and known kind of neurodivergent. I’m not showing an inspirational struggle. Come to think of it I do not show my struggles at all.

Not saying there’s nothing, mind you. It’s just – you won’t understand. Like, really, you will not.

I meet some other nd squirrel and they get it without me having to say a word. But the nt world at large? No such luck.

So I don’t use the a-words when I write. I am careful with what I show. Is the protag stimming or are they just nervous?
Listen, LISTEN …

My protags get their weighted blankets. They have their routines and need their breaks from people. Their brains spin around like that hamster overtaking himself in the running wheel gif.

A Roborovski dwarf hamster is running in a red running wheel. Suddenly it is caught by the wheel and spins around in, flipping over and over.

You don’t get it? That’s fine. Just enjoy the ride and take in the sights. It’s a whole new landscape. Nobody forces you to make sense of every last detail. Bathe in the flavour. This is the world experienced through somebody else’s eyes (and brain). Isn’t this what you want from reading? New experiences and adventures!

And we are expected to – and continuously do because what choice do we have? – translate neurotypical stories all the time. Nobody ever wonders – will this scan for nd people? Does it makes sense outside a neurotypical frame of mind? Are these nt character relatable outside their own in-group?

I’m pretty sure nt people reading my protags have several wtf-moments. Because their brains are not wired like that. I am not making sense (which, tbt, nothing new). And then the feedback piles in: can’t connect with the character, unrealistic, not making sense, nobody would ever…

Sounds familiar? Yeah. It is. And it’s nothing new for me because I heard that kind of thing about my-fucking-self for over 40 years.

So maybe sit down with a smoothie and listen for a sec.

  • I’m not here to make sense for you.
  • I’m not here to translate my experience for your brains.
  • I am here to give you a glimpse into what it is like.
  • I am here to write for people like me.

We deserve to see ourselves in stories. As we are. Not as NTs need to have us translated.


Lies, lies everywhere

I keep getting comments on my stories that people say things that don’t make sense or just things that are not true.

And I’m like, yes, yes they do. My characters lie! They lie to your face, they lie behind your back, and they certainly won’t announce they are lying. They are here to fool you. That you think something is not right is just you seeing the edges of the lies shining through. Good work. I am proud of you.

Truth is, I want you to see the lies. And if not that, at least note there is something off.

Take Peter for example. He tells lies every day all day. He feeds different information to different people. Of course he won’t be going around announcing he’s manipulating everybody for his own gain.

And for one book, you will walk in my shoes. You will have to figure things out on your own from context clues that make absolutely no sense to you. You get my squirrely mind that can’t stop for long enough to dissect what’s going on. You get my issues that keep me from trusting my own gut and assessment.

Welcome to my world!

Of course, Peter is still a lying liar who lies. And you figure it out eventually. But until you do, he may not make sense. He lies and neither he nor I will tell you outright that he does so.

Tangent Time.

It’s quite possible this loops back into my neurodiversity. I had to learn context clues the hard way. And if you do it like that, you also learn not to trust them. People are also lying liars who lie. If you learn to reproduce the clues not because it makes sense, but because it is expected, you also learn that anything can be manufactured.

Everything could be a lie! There is no guarantee!

So maybe because I read people and stories differently, because the back of my mind is always open for what I am presented with being a lie, the way I express lying in what feels natural for me, is not natural to others. It makes sense.

Still, welcome to my world.

I hope you enjoy the ride as much as I do.


Do you like spreadsheets? I love spreadsheets. 😍

So when the Pitch Wars Showcase went live, I saw my chance to create another one: agents that had eluded my grubby grasp as yet.

Then I thought, well, it might make a decent enough list for starters, you know. If you look into Sci-fi and Fantasy. And anyway, why should I have all the work, when I could also have all the work and publicly complain about it?

There you go.

It has names, agency, if they take fantasy and/or sci-fi as well as if they are currently open to queries from the unwashed masses. Mind you, with them requesting now, I cannot say if this is the best time to yeet your materials. But in the querying trenches, there is no good time to yeet, there’s only times that are worse than others…

I felt the necessity to add a “notes” column because sometimes it was a ride. Not all agents that requested listed the genre on their agent page or rep adult if you believe the site. Maybe they’re just so picky it doesn’t warrant mentioning or they are newly branching out. Publishing is mysterious.

Mind you, this is just a starting point. Please find your writing communities for the hottest and latest tea. Nothing goes over a solid community, we look out for each other. Just saying. IIRC, the showcase agents are not vetted, so neither is this list.

Proceed with caution and optimism. (You’ll need a lot of both, ngl.)

I found a few new names here and once I am ready, they sure will hear from me. 😏